He Held Her First

The three of us had fun together

As I go through this pregnancy, there is someone very important missing from my life.  The lack of my mom’s presence is obvious, and it is natural for me to miss her.  But I less often speak of my other missing piece.  My heart, my soulmate, my cousin Mikey, his absence is a lot more difficult for me to discuss.  Maybe it is because it is more recent; I just lost him two years ago.  Maybe it is because his absence is harder to process; I lost him to suicide.  He was only 17 years old. Nonetheless, I miss him everyday.  I used to tell him I loved him so much, that I didn’t think I would be able to love my own kids more.  And now, I’m here and I’m going to be a mom and in part of my heart there is a big empty hole that will never be filled. 

I was leaving from the hospital the other day, feeling all mommy-powered up, and I reached for my phone to call him.  Two years and I still have the habit of wanting to call him.  I know he would have loved my baby.  I know he would have loved to see my hubby and me as parents.  I know he would have been like a big brother or uncle to my baby.  And I’m sad that I won’t get to see that.

But as crazy as it sounds, I believe he held her first.  I believe he helped pick out my baby.  I imagine him chatting with God and my mom and saying, “she should have a girl,” knowing that a boy couldn’t replace him, and shouldn’t be expected to.  I imagine him holding her, and looking at her the way he looked at Isabella (our cousin).  I imagine him grinning and thinking “yes, this is Cristy’s baby.”   I imagine him thinking, a girl would give my husband more trouble and be more amusing.  It is no small coincidence that she is due the day after his birthday.  I know it sounds 100% crazy, but I have to believe it.  He won’t hold her on earth, but he held her first.  

Michael D. Hartman
October 23, 1993-May 18, 2011