Translate

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Words Matter

Maybe this blog should be prefaced with “you done set me off now.”

I have never held back when it came to social media.  I have always been open.  I know a lot of people disagree with that decision, but I have always wanted to share the good and the bad, and encourage dialogue. If I’m going through something so is someone else out there.  If I can make someone smile then why not share? But recently, I made the decision to show less of my daughter on social media.  A decision I made very easily after a facebook comment was posted referring to her as a “hoochie momma.” I know people will think I am over-reacting, but I’m not subjecting my daughter to be degraded even if it is just a joke. 

I am raising a mini-feminist.  I use this term loosely to mean a girl who is proud to be a girl and who knows that her gender should not hold her back from her dreams.  I want her to have self-confidence and to believe in herself.  If she doesn’t believe in herself, who will (other than her father and me of course)?  I have said before that the cards are stacked against her, because she is a Latina.  But I believe, if we work hard to create a safe space at home for her to grow, learn, and dream then the realities of the world will be more manageable and she can overcome any obstacle. 

I don’t think, as women, we should be calling other women “hoochie momma” or the b-word or any other derogatory term.  I know some women see calling each other “bitches” is cute or funny.  Maybe they see it as a way to reclaim power over the word like the N-word in hip-hop (a topic for another day).  But I believe in the power of words.  I would much rather spend my energy empowering women then reclaiming power in a word.  I would never call my BFF or other friends my bitches, because they are so much better than that.  They are my sisters.  They are queens and the language I use should reflect that.  I want my daughter to know this.  She should respect other girls.  She should foster those relationships, not see other girls as competition or the enemy.  I don’t want to hear other women call each other “hoochie mommas” and I definitely don’t want them calling my 2-month-old daughter one.  Again, some may think I’m taking this too serious, but I’m raising a girl, this is serious business. 

I am by no means a public figure, but I can now understand why public figures are so protective of their children.  Jay-Z and Beyonce rarely show their daughter Blue Ivy, but when she appeared in a video recently, I heard people say “she’s not that cute.”  Kanye and Kim Kardashian released a picture of their daughter and people started accusing Kim of getting her baby’s eyebrows waxed.  These are babies we are talking about.  Leave them alone.  They are all beautiful baby girls.  Thick eyebrows, unibrows or no eyebrows, these baby girls are gorgeous. 

We need to teach our children that whether they are the daughter of someone famous or a nine to fiver, it is who they are as a person that matters not what they see in the mirror (or more accurately, what others see in a picture).  These are just babies, but our girls are smart.  They start to pick up on subtle and not so subtle comments about body images.  We need to teach our girls that math and science are more important than appearances.  Let’s get them interested in the chemistry behind make-up, the physics behind the heels, and the biology behind their beautiful curves.  Let’s teach them about the history of their people and remind them that they are fierce because of the strength of their ancestors.  My daughter is a baby, but already she is beautiful, tough, smart, perceptive, intuitive, sweet, loving, joyous, and a fighter.  Notice no, where in that list is “hoochie momma.” 

Over reacting or not, there will be no Girls Gone Wild in my house, just this over protective, over analyzing, Mom Gone Wild.  My daughter needs girl power, so I’ll save her pictures for those who I know will appreciate her for her complicated nature and empower her!

My Daughter's Message
Is Worth Ending With





Friday, December 13, 2013

Lunas I love to the Moon

We were a package deal.
When he married me he got a sister.
My husband and I were talking about how friends sometimes become your family, and how they are special because they are the people you choose as your family.  I started thinking of my best friend Alicia.  I was thinking about how I know I can rely on her if I need to.  I was thinking about how her entire family has embraced me and now they embrace my family.  I wanted to give them a proper Facebook shout out, and as I began typing it I realized I had so much to say that it was more than a status update, it was blog worthy. 

Thank you BFF for letting me into your heart over 20 years ago.  Thank you for picking me as your best friend instead of kicking my ass (a real possibility if you know her). There weren’t very many girls in our neighborhood, but from the get go, we were close.  It was us two ready to take on the hood.  You introduced me to your beautiful family.  You shared your precious mom with me.  She was so worried about me living in Washington, DC after September 11 she sent me a baby Jesus bracelet to watch over me.  I wore it through most of my pregnancy and even through labor.  I refused to take it off.  I let a nurse switch it from one wrist to the other, but I had to wear it.  I needed the protection then more than ever, but more than anything, I needed her close to me.  Thank you for mourning her with me, for sharing your experience with me so that when I lost my mom I had someone who got it.  I know they are in heaven both proud and shocked by our behavior (it depends on the day).  I know they are wondering if maybe they each got the wrong daughter, and I know they wouldn’t trade either of us for anything in the world!

Thank you for sharing the men in your life with me.  Thank you for your dad that can do some serious Sam’s club damage when shopping.  Thanks for sharing the big things of popcorn and mayo with me. Thank you for your husband who long ago set the example of what a good man is and who has welcomed my husband as family too.  Thank you for your brothers.  Nothing makes me smile more than when they introduce me to someone as their “other sister.” Thank you Armando for being protective of me when I was young and for having fun at my wedding.  I know it is tough raising a teenage daughter, but I hope she considers me an aunt and as always, you know I’m here.   Thank you to Juan for being such a wonderful father to his kids.  I have always admired him, and I hope I can be such a genuine loving person as he is.  Also, he raised Samantha who has been my lifesaver as I’m reentering the workforce.  I can think of no one I would feel more comfortable leaving my baby with. 

Thanks for all your nieces and your nephews, because I have watched them grow up and blossom.  Thank you for giving me my only Godson who is truly amazing. 
She was having a baby
& still looked great!
Thank you for your daughter who took forever coming into this world, but when she got here, she immediately changed it with a smile.  Thank you for your cousins, who are my cousins, they watched over me, guided me, and believed in me.  They made me laugh and like you, they even got me into a little trouble sometimes.  I was too good, I needed a little trouble in my life.  Thanks for Erik T. too, because like me he’s been adopted into the family and shares those wonderful memories. 

I love that my daughter will grow up with all of these people as family.  I love that she will learn the true value of friendship, because she will see it in our example.  She will learn that there really is nothing that can compare to a true, loyal, and fun friend. From you, from your daughter, from our mothers, from our bond, she will learn GIRL POWER! 

There is no way I can thank you, for being my sister and friend.  Thank you for your love and support. Thank you for the laughter.  Thank you for standing next to me in the happiest days of my life and for holding me up during the worst days of my life.


I love you hermana!

My Matron of Honor in Life


Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Three Shots

Three shots changed my life today.  

I’ve seen a lot of crazy things in my life.  I’ve been enough blood and gore to give me nightmares.  I’ve seen my mom die of cancer and how it destroyed her body.  I’ve never been squeamish.  But my daughter received three vaccinations today and my heart is hurting.  I almost fainted when I saw blood coming out of her little thigh.  As she cries and whimpers my heart breaks more and more.  I have never experienced anything like this.  My baby is in pain and there is nothing I can do.  

I don’t know how parents do this.  I don’t know how my parents did it.  I don’t know how we are going to get through her first cold, teething, or her first scraped knee.  For now, I will focus on overcoming three shots. 

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Equality

My hope is that when she is old enough to
understand this picture she will be
confused by why marriage equality
 was even an issue. 

Today, Governor Quinn signed the Religious Freedom & Marriage Fairness Bill making Illinois the 16th state to legalize same sex marriage.  I have gotten some criticism and comments on pushing my beliefs on my baby.  I don’t see it that way.  It isn’t about beliefs it is about core values that I hope to instill in my child.  My husband and I may just be allies, but this law is important to us and our family. 

Catalina drinking her bottle and watching the
Illinois Equal Marriage Bill Signing Ceremony
We are Latinos.  We are judged everyday for our race.  We share a history of separate but equal.  We know prejudice.  We have lived it all too often.  Our daughter will face prejudices, because of her race and her gender.  She naturally has obstacles in her way.  And though I know I cannot protect her from all of these heartbreaking and scary moments, I refuse to accept those obstacles as just the way things are.  It is our duty as parents to expect more of this world for her. 


Today’s bill signing wasn’t about gay or lesbian. Today’s bill signing was about one thing, EQUALITY.  I want my baby girl to grow up in a world that values all people regardless of their color, their gender, religion, or who they love. 
Catalina's Auntie Kell(e)ys getting engaged
(Sometimes family has nothing to do with blood)
I want her to know she deserves to be treated with respect no matter what or how the sometimes-cruel world sees her.  Today was not about instilling my beliefs in my daughter, but about teaching her the value and worth of all human beings.   It is about teaching her about her worth.  It is about acceptance.  It is about love. It is about the core value in our family and the core value that this country was founded on.  All (wo)men are created equal. 

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

6 Years

Dear Mom,

Jenny V.
Loving Mother
August 5, 1960 - November 13, 2007
This anniversary is so much harder than the others.  Maybe it is the hormones or maybe it is the fact that I have never needed you more.  I have missed you over the years.  I miss you everyday, but lately I need you everyday.  There is a big difference between missing and needing.  I wish I could call you and say, “Mom the weather is sixty degrees, how do I dress the baby for this weather?”  or “Mom, how do I use this blue moco ball thing?”

Six years, and so much has happened.  It was so long ago and so recent all at the same time.  My brother has done so much from the peace corp. to ironman to veep.  I am so proud of your “baby boy.”  I know you are watching him, but I wish you were here to hug him and congratulate him.  I can see it if I close my eyes. 

In six years you had a new niece born.  She is something else.  She is fierce and I don’t think this world is ready for her.  Your other niece, the one that was like a granddaughter to you, she is the funny one.  I know you would love her sense of humor.  Their brother is still the good kid he’s always been.  Well really, he’s turned into a great man, but that’s still hard to face.  The oldest niece, she is just as amazing.  She is as beautiful and smart as always.  She could use your affection though.  Over the years, more than once, she has told me how much she misses your hugs. 

Of course it wasn’t all good things you missed.  I’m glad you missed the passing of your nephew.  I don’t think it is something you would have been able to handle.  As strong as you were this one would have broken you.  But I take comfort in knowing he is with you in heaven. 

I got a grown up job.  You know, a paid one that isn’t a temporary campaign job.  I’ve met some great people and some lifetime friends like the Kell(e)ys.  You use to say if someone was good to your kids, then that was the greatest gift they could ever give you.  They have given you a great gift. With the baby lots of people have been helping so you have been given lots of gifts.  

I missed you so much last year at my wedding.  Your presence was felt everywhere though and I was determined to make it the happy day I knew we all needed.  It was.  It was the happiest day of my life at the time (with the day I graduated from college a close second).  It was only trumped by October 12, 2013 when my “baby girl” was born.  She is so perfect mom.  I need your help, but more than anything I want to see you hold her, and I want you to know my greatest accomplishment.  I want you to know that I’m trying to remember everything I can about the mother you were so I can do my best to be just as good of a mom.   

I look back to our last morning together six years ago.  The truth is it was a perfect morning, or as perfect as it could be in the hospital.  You woke up and asked me for your make up, because your uncle was coming to town to see you.  As you put on your make up, I played one of your favorite songs Cali Pachenguero by Grupo Niche.  I danced that song with my daughter in my arms today.  In her room, just the two of us with tears and a smile we danced. And she stared at me with a look that said, “Mom has lost it.”  Probably the same look I gave you when you were goofy.  I smiled back at her closed my eyes and I could still see you smiling at me as you put your make up on six years ago.  I can think of no better way to remember you than to hold her, love her, and dance with her. 

Please continue to watch over us. 

I love you and miss you.

C




Monday, November 4, 2013

The Most Important Person In Her World


The last few days have been difficult for my family.  The stomach bug hit and it hit hard.  Thankfully the baby has not gotten it, but her father had it and then it hit me.  In less than six hours from when I first experienced symptoms I had fainted and was non functional.  I had to go to the Emergency Room.  I thought I would go, get a bag of fluid in an IV and return home shortly.  Two days later and seven IV bags of fluid later I was fighting with doctors and nurses to let me go home to my fussy baby who was missing her momma.  My poor husband, who still wasn’t feeling himself, was charged with taking care of a newborn all by himself.  That would be enough to make anyone exhausted, but he had the added bonus of her having meltdowns because her mom was missing in action.  After finally threatening to “elope” from the hospital, a term I learned as I contemplated pulling my IV out and making a run for it, my discharge papers were completed and I made it home to my baby.

The reunion was so sweet.  I gushed over my baby and she responded by falling asleep in my arms within five minutes.  We all have our own way of showing love.   The next day she was fussy if she was in anyone’s arms but mine.  She would sleep in her bassinet, but needed to know I was near.  I had managed to traumatize my baby by the time she hit the 3 week mark.  My guilt from being away grew, but I was also comforted in knowing that she still needed me. I realized something very important that I could have never imagined.  I am the most important person in her world. 

Her entire life (even in utero) she had never been that long without me.  I am her world.  And while, I know she will grow and she will be loved by many for at least 12 years I will continue to be the most important person in her world. Then her friends will probably take over for the next 10 years but I’ll be waiting patiently.  And When I leave this earth and hopefully she is grown up and a mother and a grandmother I will still be irreplaceable in her world.  What an amazing concept.  It is a lot of pressure, but it is true, being a mom is the most important job I will ever have.  It is inspiring me to be a better person.  No matter how exhausted I am, I am ready to be the mom she deserves.  And I will spend everyday striving to show her that SHE is the most important person in my world.