Labor

 Parenthood Lesson 1: Forget what you planned

I knew I would be induced early because I was diagnosed with preeclampsia.   I had a date set, but after some usual testing, my doctor decided to move up the date.  The date change was the beginning of many changes that would come in my birthing plan.  I checked into the hospital on a Thursday afternoon at 3pm.  I was nervous, but ready, or at least that was what I was going to tell myself (over and over again).

I labored for well over a day with no pain medicine, not even a Tylenol.  It was uncomfortable but as long as I could get out of bed and sit on a exercise ball I could handle it.  Contractions came every four minutes like clockwork for hours and I was determined to give my baby the most natural birth possible.  I was naively convinced I could do this. 

After 24 hours, I decided to get pain medicine.  I was dilating slowly and needed to sleep so that I could push.  After 24 hours of contractions 4 minutes apart and some pain medicine I enjoyed a nice nap.  Then I was told I would be put on a drug that would slow my central nervous system.  It was for the preeclampsia and would keep me from having seizures during active labor.  I would be bed ridden and I wouldn’t be able to walk or get on my ball.  I knew this would make labor unbearable.  The worst place to be during labor is on your back.  I did the unthinkable.  I agreed to an epidural.  My husband wanted me to agree to a c-section, but that was not necessary.  I could do this.  I would birth my baby “naturally.”  The word “natural” had a new meaning now. 

I took a nap.  I got an epidural.  That made the Pitocin a little more bearable and the sleepiness bearable.  For a few hours I was great.   My water broke.  I was on the right track and I was confident I could handle it. Then the unthinkable happened (again).

I woke up with enormous pain.  The contractions were ten times worse than anything I had endured during labor or EVER.  They tried administrating more pain medicine but nothing, absolutely nothing would work .  They were going to take out the epidural and reinsert it.  But before they did that, they examined me and I was 10 centimeters dilated.  It was too late.  I was going to get my wish and experience a natural childbirth.  Of course at this point, my baby and I had the drugs in our system for nothing. My body was literally slowed, I was exhausted, I had tons of drugs being pumped into me, and it was all for nothing. 

Sometime later, I have no idea how long later, because it was all a blur I started pushing.   I was so tired that when the contractions came I put everything in them and rested in between.  I hoped that this would be quick, especially if I worked harder.  I wanted my baby out and safe.  During every contraction I was told to push 3 times.  Always the over achiever I pushed 4 times.  The pain was horrible.  My husband says my face would turn purple.  I pushed and I pushed.  I begged the doctor to tell me if I was doing something wrong.  She assured me that I was pushing the right way and doing everything right.  She assured me the baby was moving down.  After two and a half hours I saw this look of dread and despair on my doctor’s face.  I knew something was wrong.  I knew she was holding in something that she didn’t want to tell me.  Maybe she needs to work on her game face or maybe I am just that good at reading people (it’s probably the first one). 

The doctor informed me that my baby’s head was turned and could not get under the pelvic bone.  She said I could keep trying if I wanted.  I asked her to be honest with me.  If I kept trying would it make a difference.  She said “honestly, I don’t think it will, but I’ll be here if you want to keep trying.  Cristina, you have done everything right.  You have done a lot more than most people would have done.”  With that same look of reluctance and disappointment for me, she recommended a c-section.  My husband at this point begged me to agree to it.  He says he never knew how strong women were.  That was enough for me.  I knew my blood pressure was rising with the pain, exhaustion and stress.  I knew my desire for an experience was not worth risking the life of my child or my own.  Because even though I was very focused on her safety, I desperately wanted to be there to mother her. That was something I knew she would need. 

Less than 20 minutes later I was on the operating table.  I don’t know time after that only that on Saturday at 10:57am I heard her for the first time.  After months of feeling my baby kick and spin and move I heard her cry, and I am pretty sure she was crying for me.  The Neonatal doctor was present, because we were high risk. My husband and I were assured that she was examined, that she was ok, and that she was well enough that the neonatal doctor had left the room.  I implored my husband to go to her and stay with her.  I did not want her to be left alone.  Shortly after she was brought to me for some skin on skin contact and she went to the nursery with my husband.  That was the last thing I remember.  There is nothing like knowing your baby is ok and your husband will take care of her to let you finally sleep. 

That is how Catalina Elizabeth came into the world. 

There are people who say that as soon as you hold your baby you forget all the pain you went through.  I will not be forgetting any of that experience.  38 weeks of morning sickness, 40 plus hours of labor, two and a half of pushing, and an emergency c-section, will not be easily forgotten.  But neither will the fact that every ounce of pain, every fear, and every worry were absolutely and completely worth it.  I will remember this love always, even when she is a teenager and hates me.  I would do it a hundred times again for her and I will do it for the rest of my life.