The Many Faces

Sitting in the plastic surgeon's office waiting for a consultation on an unusually busy day, I was struck by the diversity of women I knew were there, because they had breast cancer.  When I mentioned that I noticed he had a number of women that were seeing him today related to their reconstruction surgery, he at first was a little taken aback, maybe he was worried he was violating HIPPA laws, but after thinking about it he said, "yeah, you can kind of tell can't you?"  I am, if nothing else, observant. Five years of supporting my mom and I know what cancer looks like.  But I also know what I need new bigger breast looks like versus, this is just part of my process to save my life.  I know what tired and worn out look like.  I know what I'm not giving up looks like too though.  

As I watched the women, I wondered what their stories were, not just their cancer story, but their life story.  "How did you get here?"  "What other battles are you fighting?" I wondered as I looked at the women who ranged in age, race and ethnicity.   White women get breast cancer more often than other races, but African American women are more likely to die from breast Cancer. But in that waiting room, there was no discrimination by the disease. There were immigrants both European and Latin American. There were women who worked and women with flexible schedules.  There were suburbanites and city dwellers. I wanted to hug them all and remind them that they are warriors.  In the end I decided against it, because well that would just make me a weirdo.  But as I continue on my journey of love, I'm collecting mental snapshots in the waiting rooms.  I will take their many faces with me.  I will make silent prayers and give silent warm wishes. And maybe someday, I will hear their survival stories, but for now I will be a witness from the waiting room. 

Daughter of a Warrior

Daughter: Mama can you carry me?
Mother: Yes.
Daughter: Your owie doesn't hurt anymore? [worried about the biopsy site]
Mother: No baby, I can carry you.
Daughter: Yay!!!!!!
Mother: You know even when mommy has an owie, or is sick, or is throwing up, mommy is going to be ok, because mommies are strong!
Daughter: Yea, mommy is strong and she has girl power!
Mother: That's exactly right baby girl.  Mommy has girl power. 

I will be the warrior my mother was and I hope that it inspires my daughter to be a warrior too.  The myth is that Amazonian women warriors cut off their right breast in order to better shoot a bow and arrow.  Next steps/current life goals...be an amazonian warrior. 

#Jennysdaughter 

#Catalinasmom 

#girlpower 

#warrior

#love

A Journey of Love

...I have Cancer...

I have cancer.  How do you tell people?  "how are you? Me? I'm great, but I have cancer." How do you tell someone you barely know? How do you tell someone you've known your whole life?

I have cancer.  Not all cancer is created equal.  It's not the ovarian cancer that killed my mom, but it comes from the same mutated gene, the only thing her sperm donor father left behind. How do you tell those family and friends who were traumatized by her suffering and loss that her daughter now has a similar battle ahead of her?

I have cancer. How do you tell your motherless-daughter friend who has shared your fears and has healed with her daughter like you have with yours?  How do you share that the breast that fed your daughter has been invaded by a traitor ready to fight you?

I have cancer.  How do you give comfort to those who don't know what to say when faced with their own mortality by fearing yours?

...I have cancer...

Earlier this week, I received the call that I had known for years was a real possibility, and I always feared.  "you do have a form of breast cancer." I scrambled to grab my list of questions and scrolled down to the "If it's cancer..." section.  We didn't have answers to those questions yet.  I didn't cry, not until I said those three words out loud for the first time. "I have cancer." I whispered.  I allowed myself those tears of fear.  Then, I let it go.  

I have this inexplicable feeling.  Everything is going to be ok.  I don't know how I know this, I just do.  It's sort of the same way, before those test results came back I knew this tumor was cancer.  I just knew.  I am scared.  Of course I am scared of the Big C that's not welcome in this C-Club.  But I'm ready to embark on this journey of love ahead of me.  

That is what I have found this to be, a journey of love.  I know the challenges an illness like this brings.  I am not blind to this at all.  I've seen it first hand, but I also know the love it brings. It brings a love  that endures "in sickness and in health." It brings old friends who are ready to add this to the list of challenges and joys they have shared with me.  It brings new friends who are ready to bond with me on whatever level I will let them.  It brings family together to ensure that I don't have to be that reasonable rock I have always been if I don't want to. It brings the strength of the women who endured before me, willing to share their stories, their advice and their warm embraces.  It brings my mom's love that surrounds me and never leaves me. It brings the joy, the hope and the love in my daughters eyes which inspire me day in and day out.  

Yes, I have cancer, but that is just another way of saying I am embarking on a journey of love.