Any Given Morning

As I took a sip from the mug on the bathroom counter with a little girl's eyes glued to me I had a flashback of my mom. I remember watching her get ready for work. She always had music on, a cup of coffee, and a smile on her face. She must have been tired, stressed, and rushed, but she wore a smile. Minus the coffee (I was drinking tea), this morning's scene could have been from so many years ago with me being the daughter instead of the mother. We had music, chatter, and lots of smiles. The adoration in my daughter's eyes melted my heart, and the warmth I could feel convinced me somewhere my mom is watching down on me and proud of the mom she taught me to be. 

You win some, You lose some

I'm exhausted.  This hasn't been my usual election day. I didn't work a precinct or help in a campaign office all day.  I wasn't up at 3am after going to bed at midnight.  I am sitting here trying to figure out why I'm so tired.  Then I realized.  I worked, and then I played with my baby.  I finally got to see her roll over for the first time.  It was the highlight of my day! After witnessing this milestone, I went to the campaign office to help with the results.  It wasn't my usual election day, but it was definitely a busy day.  I also realized I have had months of sleeping only 3 hours at a time.  I wake up at 3am everyday.  I've had months of a mommy campaign going on here.  Maybe, I didn't do as much as I usually would have on a campaign, but I did my part.  I'm going to cut myself a little slack.  Even if we didn't win the election, I won the working mom award today.  I'm going to enjoy that victory and reward myself with some sleep. 

You Are A Mother Now

It is election season, my favorite time of any year. I love the excitement of a good campaign. Generally, I like strategizing. I edit all that annoying mail or suggest press or field plans. I use to get paid for it, but now that I have a grown up job (read: boring in comparison) I only get to help on evenings and weekends. I have learned that the best campaign work happens walking the streets and knocking on doors. That is where I can learn the most for strategizing. That's where I can get a real sense of what people are feeling.

On Saturday, I canvassed, and I was reminded "your a mother now" from the minute I was about to walk out the door. My daughter gave me the dirtiest where-do-you-think-you-are-going look. It was Saturday and that mother guilt was strong. Saturday is usually her day. I knew finding balance would be hard, but I could never have imagined the guilt I would feel that came with being a working and active mother. 

I made it to the campaign office that was buzzing with energy. I walked a precinct, and as I expected, I learned a lot about the campaign and district. After, the physical effects of "you are a mother now" took effect. I have been told that my emergency c-section could take a year or years to recover from. I hear these words but grasping them is more difficult.  Not being able to do what I use to do easily before my pregnancy frustrates me. "You are a mother now"echoes in my head, and I worry that balance isn't in the stars for me.

Later that night I sat in bed with my daughter. We were playing the laughing game. We stared at each other. She would laugh so I laughed, which made her laugh more. It always becomes a laughing cycle. My husband said, "It's been years since you have been this happy. In fact, I don't even know if I have ever seen you this happy."  I smile at him and tell him, "You haven't, because I have never been this happy."  

The high of a campaign victory is nothing in comparison to her laugh.  But while, being a mother has changed everything, I am still me. And it is because of that laughter that I know I may never find balance, but I can come close.  The work I do is to make the world she lives in better.  I don't have to give up what I am good at.  I'm often told "you are a mother now" in reference to everything I can't do, but I think maybe it should be used more as inspiration.  Inspiration to do what I love and I am good at, while shaping the world we live in.  I understand that maybe I will have to make Saturday morning sacrifices, but that will make Saturday nights all the more sweeter.

Yes, I am a mother now.

I missed it

I missed it.  Today, my daughter flipped over during tummy time.  I’m excited, because we spent the three-day weekend and last night working on this and she finally did it.  It means she is growing up.  It is a milestone she needed to reach and a sign that she is developing right on schedule.  This is all great news. BUT…I missed it.

This is undoubtedly one of many milestones I will be missing.  I’m a working mom.  I should get use to it, but knowing this and practicing this are two different things. In addition to being a working mom, I’m a new mom, and I want to be there to experience everything with my baby. Once again, I have a newfound respect for all moms, the ones who are able to stay home and be there for those moments and the ones who aren’t able to be there for those moments and overcome the heartbreak.

 My husband said, it was our work with our daughter that taught her and that doesn’t change whether we were with her or not when she finally turned over.  I take a little comfort in this.  I can’t always be there with her, but I hope it is what I teach her that will make her successful even in my absence. 

Tummy Time