What Can?

I’ve spent a limited time on social media this week.  The news of Robin Williams’ suicide has hit me like a ton of bricks.  I didn’t know him, but like so many others, I was a fan.  This tragedy affects me a little differently though, because I am a survivor of suicide.  This grief is different than anything I have ever experienced.  I thought I was ok, and that I’m moving forward.  But hearing of Robin Williams’ depression and suicide and the different reactions to it, has brought me back to that dreadful year.

On January 18, 2011 my cousin’s father, and my uncle by marriage committed suicide shortly after hanging up the telephone and saying goodbye to my cousin.  My cousin Mikey, was 17 years old.  I’ve lost a parent. I know that grief, but I know nothing of losing a parent to suicide at the young age of 17.  Four months later, to the day, on May 18, 2011 my cousin Mikey went missing.  He too had taken his life. 

I’ve written before on the hole he left in my heart, and how it is difficult for me to talk about it. I am usually an open book, but this is difficult for me.  For the most part, I remember the loving cousin and friend he was to me.  I miss his love of politics.  There are days, like when I took my daughter to her first bill signing, that I think, “Mikey would have been here with us” or “Mikey would have loved this.”  I remember him often and I tell my daughter about him.  But hearing about Robin Williams brought back, the reminder of how Mikey and his dad died.  It brought back the reminder that there are people out there with smiles on their faces that are suffering so deeply. 

The statements that someone who commits suicide is a coward or weak only brings anger.  Mikey and his dad were not cowards, they were sick.  They were just as sick as my mom who died of cancer.  My mom wasn't a coward, because she got cancer.  In fact, if I had one last chance to speak with Mikey, I would tell him I forgive him.  Survivors of suicide often ask themselves all the time “what if.”  The anger and the questions of what if are useless.  Instead we should ask “what can…”  What can we do to make sure this doesn’t happen to someone else?  What can we do to prevent and educate?  What can I do to make this lonely scary world better?

 

If you suffer from depression or if you have considered suicide, you are not alone! There is help out there.  Reach out to a friend, a family member, a teacher, or a boss.  My question of what if is “what if he would have just called me.” There is help out there, please ask for it.   You can also call 1-800-273-TALK (8255). 

If you are a survivor of suicide, you aren’t alone either.  I want you to know that you are pretty amazing! Just when you think you are ok, something pushes you back down, but you still get up. You still survive.  Take care of yourself and reach out for support when you need it.

If Robin Williams is as close as you have gotten to suicide, I am thankful for you.  Know that your kind words make a difference.  I commend you for wanting to know more. 

I miss you Mikey.  My love for you is strong enough that I am going to let go of "what if," and continue to ask myself “What can I do?”