Equality

My hope is that when she is old enough to
understand this picture she will be
confused by why marriage equality
 was even an issue. 

Today, Governor Quinn signed the Religious Freedom & Marriage Fairness Bill making Illinois the 16^th state to legalize same sex marriage.  I have gotten some criticism and comments on pushing my beliefs on my baby.  I don’t see it that way.  It isn’t about beliefs it is about core values that I hope to instill in my child.  My husband and I may just be allies, but this law is important to us and our family. 

Catalina drinking her bottle and watching the
Illinois Equal Marriage Bill Signing Ceremony

We are Latinos.  We are judged everyday for our race.  We share a history of separate but equal.  We know prejudice.  We have lived it all too often.  Our daughter will face prejudices, because of her race and her gender.  She naturally has obstacles in her way.  And though I know I cannot protect her from all of these heartbreaking and scary moments, I refuse to accept those obstacles as just the way things are.  It is our duty as parents to expect more of this world for her. 

Today’s bill signing wasn’t about gay or lesbian. Today’s bill signing was about one thing, EQUALITY.  I want my baby girl to grow up in a world that values all people regardless of their color, their gender, religion, or who they love. 

Catalina's Auntie Kell(e)ys getting engaged
(Sometimes family has nothing to do with blood)

I want her to know she deserves to be treated with respect no matter what or how the sometimes-cruel world sees her.  Today was not about instilling my beliefs in my daughter, but about teaching her the value and worth of all human beings.   It is about teaching her about her worth.  It is about acceptance.  It is about love. It is about the core value in our family and the core value that this country was founded on.  All (wo)men are created equal. 

6 Years

Dear Mom,

Jenny V.
Loving Mother
August 5, 1960 - November 13, 2007

This anniversary is so much harder than the others.  Maybe it is the hormones or maybe it is the fact that I have never needed you more.  I have missed you over the years.  I miss you everyday, but lately I need you everyday.  There is a big difference between missing and needing.  I wish I could call you and say, “Mom the weather is sixty degrees, how do I dress the baby for this weather?”  or “Mom, how do I use this blue moco ball thing?”

Six years, and so much has happened.  It was so long ago and so recent all at the same time.  My brother has done so much from the peace corp. to ironman to veep.  I am so proud of your “baby boy.”  I know you are watching him, but I wish you were here to hug him and congratulate him.  I can see it if I close my eyes. 

In six years you had a new niece born.  She is something else.  She is fierce and I don’t think this world is ready for her.  Your other niece, the one that was like a granddaughter to you, she is the funny one.  I know you would love her sense of humor.  Their brother is still the good kid he’s always been.  Well really, he’s turned into a great man, but that’s still hard to face.  The oldest niece, she is just as amazing.  She is as beautiful and smart as always.  She could use your affection though.  Over the years, more than once, she has told me how much she misses your hugs. 

Of course it wasn’t all good things you missed.  I’m glad you missed the passing of your nephew.  I don’t think it is something you would have been able to handle.  As strong as you were this one would have broken you.  But I take comfort in knowing he is with you in heaven. 

I got a grown up job.  You know, a paid one that isn’t a temporary campaign job.  I’ve met some great people and some lifetime friends like the Kell(e)ys.  You use to say if someone was good to your kids, then that was the greatest gift they could ever give you.  They have given you a great gift. With the baby lots of people have been helping so you have been given lots of gifts.  

I missed you so much last year at my wedding.  Your presence was felt everywhere though and I was determined to make it the happy day I knew we all needed.  It was.  It was the happiest day of my life at the time (with the day I graduated from college a close second).  It was only trumped by October 12, 2013 when my “baby girl” was born.  She is so perfect mom.  I need your help, but more than anything I want to see you hold her, and I want you to know my greatest accomplishment.  I want you to know that I’m trying to remember everything I can about the mother you were so I can do my best to be just as good of a mom.   

I look back to our last morning together six years ago.  The truth is it was a perfect morning, or as perfect as it could be in the hospital.  You woke up and asked me for your make up, because your uncle was coming to town to see you.  As you put on your make up, I played one of your favorite songs Cali Pachenguero by Grupo Niche.  I danced that song with my daughter in my arms today.  In her room, just the two of us with tears and a smile we danced. And she stared at me with a look that said, “Mom has lost it.”  Probably the same look I gave you when you were goofy.  I smiled back at her closed my eyes and I could still see you smiling at me as you put your make up on six years ago.  I can think of no better way to remember you than to hold her, love her, and dance with her. 

Please continue to watch over us. 

I love you and miss you.

C

The Most Important Person In Her World

The last few days have been difficult for my family.  The stomach bug hit and it hit hard.  Thankfully the baby has not gotten it, but her father had it and then it hit me.  In less than six hours from when I first experienced symptoms I had fainted and was non functional.  I had to go to the Emergency Room.  I thought I would go, get a bag of fluid in an IV and return home shortly.  Two days later and seven IV bags of fluid later I was fighting with doctors and nurses to let me go home to my fussy baby who was missing her momma.  My poor husband, who still wasn’t feeling himself, was charged with taking care of a newborn all by himself.  That would be enough to make anyone exhausted, but he had the added bonus of her having meltdowns because her mom was missing in action.  After finally threatening to “elope” from the hospital, a term I learned as I contemplated pulling my IV out and making a run for it, my discharge papers were completed and I made it home to my baby.

The reunion was so sweet.  I gushed over my baby and she responded by falling asleep in my arms within five minutes.  We all have our own way of showing love.   The next day she was fussy if she was in anyone’s arms but mine.  She would sleep in her bassinet, but needed to know I was near.  I had managed to traumatize my baby by the time she hit the 3 week mark.  My guilt from being away grew, but I was also comforted in knowing that she still needed me. I realized something very important that I could have never imagined.  I am the most important person in her world. 

Her entire life (even in utero) she had never been that long without me.  I am her world.  And while, I know she will grow and she will be loved by many for at least 12 years I will continue to be the most important person in her world. Then her friends will probably take over for the next 10 years but I’ll be waiting patiently.  And When I leave this earth and hopefully she is grown up and a mother and a grandmother I will still be irreplaceable in her world.  What an amazing concept.  It is a lot of pressure, but it is true, being a mom is the most important job I will ever have.  It is inspiring me to be a better person.  No matter how exhausted I am, I am ready to be the mom she deserves.  And I will spend everyday striving to show her that SHE is the most important person in my world.