She is Still Here

The day before I checked into the hospital and labor started I had lunch with a friend who also lost her mom to cancer at a young age.  She asked me about my experience with pregnancy and not having my mom.  I was honest.  I told her that some moments were really hard.  I had a lot of fear, some of it unfounded.  But I also told her I have never felt closer to my mom.  This blog is for you R.E.Beca.  May you get this same sense of healing someday.

Shortly after I brought my daughter home from the hospital I was staring at her as she slept in my arms.  I was overcome with emotions.  It was more than just post partum hormones.  I was overcome with a joy and love that I had never felt before.  And I whispered one thing to her, “thank you.” 

I am grateful that I have had this experience.  I am grateful that I can experience this joy and love.  But I also realized something else.  My mom must have felt this when she held me.  My mom loved and adored me from the beginning.  I could have never imagined how much she loved me until I felt that love for my daughter.  What a wonderful gift it is to know that I gave my mom this same joy and love.  How amazing it is to know someone loved me like this. 

To my daughter I want to say, “Thank you for allowing me to feel the love I feel for you.  Thank you for giving me clarity on how my mom felt for me.  Thank you for helping me heal in a way I never thought possible.  I hope that if you become a mother, I will be there to witness that moment of clarity you will undoubtedly have with your child, and I will smile knowingly.” 

And even though I know my mom’s love lives on, she still sends me little reminders.  Her presence is clear every time my daughter sneezes.  My mom used to always sneeze three times in a row, and my daughter does the same.  It is something so small, but every time I hear it I smile knowing I’m not alone, she is still here.