A Shero for Mami & Hija

A book worth reading.

 The Book

The time right after graduating college and before law school started I like to call my “real education.”  I was so thirsty for knowledge having had a great college experience, and I found I suddenly had lots of time to read whatever I wanted.  And I read a lot!  I read about revolution, and I worked on the Hill where I learned why it was so important.  I read about history and culture.  I learned the real history that they don’t teach you in school. 

During this time, I picked up a piece of fiction that changed me.  I read Alisa Valdes’ The Dirty Girl Social Club.   The Dirty Girl Social Club is about a group of diverse Latina friends who met in college.   For the first time in my life I read characters I could truly relate to.  Alisa had created characters that were real Latinas and not stereotypes.  I saw my own friends and myself in the Dirty Girls'  characters, only I called them my Hermanas (sisters).    

I never realized the void I had in me.  As a life long reader, I, for the first time EVER and FINALLY, read characters that resembled me. It was amazing and yes, truly life changing.  I began to wonder, what else I wasn’t represented in.  And when I became represented in things, like literature, it had strong meaning to me.  As I become a mother, I am more aware of this.  I hope my daughter will be represented in literature, cartoons, toys, and so much more.  I hope she will never wonder why her dolls don’t have brown hair like her.  I also hope my daughter will have friends like my hermanas and like the characters in this book. 

The Dress 

Photograph Courtesy of Kelly Burke Arce

Flash forward almost 10 years later. I was living with a man, and we wanted to get married.  We had previously set a date, but because of financial reasons we had to postpone.  I was heart broken, but it made sense.  Then in 2011 tragedy struck and we lost someone close to us.  It was a loss we could never fully recover from, but we knew we had to try.  We decided late that summer to set a date.  We had suffered so much heartache and loss, and we needed a reason to celebrate.  Our family needed something positive for once.  We settled on October 20, 2012 and later that day I was bored and excited.  I decided I would go look at bridal magazines at Barnes and Noble to get some ideas.  I was dreading planning a wedding without my mother I had lost her a few years before that.  I was especially dreading shopping for a wedding dress without her.  But I had a wedding to plan, and I needed some ideas so off to Barnes and Noble I was going, but not before checking my Facebook before I left.  I was, of course, a fan of Alisa Valdes and she posted that she had a wedding dress, my size if anyone was interested.  I saw a picture, and thought it was pretty.  I messaged her and asked how much.  She quickly responded that she wanted to give it away.  It was hers from a wedding that didn’t happen and she wanted some good karma from it.  I was in shock, a beautiful, FREE wedding dress, from an author I so much admired?  It had to be too good to be true. 

I emailed her my address, and offered to pay shipping.  Life got busy as it normally does.  We exchanged emails and I didn’t hear much from her until the week before Christmas, when I came home to have a huge box waiting for me.  Inside the box was a beautiful wedding dress.  It was simple and elegant, but even more exciting, it was exactly the dress I would pick out for myself.  It was gorgeous.  Inside was a signed copy of her book The Husband Habit, where she wished my husband-to-be and me happiness.  I could not have asked for a better dress or a better wedding dress story. 

Photograph Courtesy of Kelly Burke Arce

Alisa Valdes helped make me look like a queen on my special day.  She took her negative experience and made it something wonderful for me.  My husband loved the dress, and we had a perfect day. 

The Movie

As if an amazing book that changed my life and a dress that I would wear to begin my life with my husband were not enough, Alisa Valdes has inspired me again.  She was approached by Hollywood big wigs to turn The Dirty Girl Social Club into a show or movie. Unfortunately, there was a disconnect with the executives and the reality of the Latino community. They did not want to remain true to the book or the educated diverse Latina characters.  Instead of giving in to the temptations of a big paycheck, Alisa decided to make this moving on her own.  She has started a Kickstarter campaign to raise the funds for it. 

Kickstarter Fund to Make the Movie

I am confident that she will not only raise the funds, but that she will make an amazing movie.  I imagine someday my daughter and I will watch this movie together.  I hope you will help support her.  You can get more information here: 

Kickstarter.com

Lessons Learned

These are the lessons I’ve learned from the book to the dress to the movie, that I hope to teach my baby girl:

1.   She is beautiful and as a Latina she should be represented in the everyday aspects of life, from the books she reads to toys she plays with

2.    Hermanas are important.  She will need her friends to share her best of times and her worst of times.  I know from experience and so do las Sucias. This is why my daughter will be raised surrounded by many Aunties that are family by choice.

3.    My mom taught me there are angels on earth.  Alisa was an angel for me.  I want my daughter to know that there are real people who are angels and that she too sometimes will be someone’s angel.

4.    She is deserving of a beautiful wedding dress and a prince charming like her daddy.

5.    Sometimes you have to create your own way with a project, especially when you believe in it.  That’s what Alisa Valdes is doing with her movie project. 

6.    When big companies want to take from your art, take your art to the people.  The people will support you.

Stuck in my mind

Sarah Kay: If I should have a daughter

It's worth watching, and re-watching. 

All we need is...

Our Family Portrait at Pride
Chicago, 2013

LOVE

Our baby was in her first parade today, and of course it was Pride.  She has had so many adventures in the womb.  She's helped me give speeches on women empowerment and suicide awareness.  She rallied for equal pay.  She has successfully lobbied in Springfield.  She threw confetti at the Stanley Cup Champion Chicago Blackhawks.  She has enjoyed women rights events.  I am starting to wonder how we are going to keep her entertained once she is actually born! 

My Choice

Chicago National Organization for Women Board members:
Amber Kirchhoff, Dana Kelly, Niki Fritz, and Cristina Villarreal

I have received a bit of criticism about this picture.  It seems the idea of a pregnant woman at a women’s reproductive choice event standing next to a sign that says “Keep Abortion Legal” makes some people uncomfortable.  I have always thought that a woman’s choice and reproductive health are important, but never as much as when I knew I was going to be having a daughter.  No one is pro-abortion or anti-life.  No one likes abortion.  It isn’t like I think, “oh I hope my daughter has an abortion someday.”  But I do hope that my daughter understands that her body is hers, and that if she should find herself in a predicament someday, regardless of the countless possible scenarios, she will have a right to choose.  She will make a decision that is best for her, her body, and her life. 

Watching the drama unfold in the Texas Senate this week was inspiring.  SB5 would have eliminated the vast majority of abortion clinics in Texas.  In such a huge state, there would not have been a safe legal way for a woman to receive an abortion.  I have never been prouder to be a woman or to be carrying a future woman than I was watching the men and women fight for women’s health on the Texas Senate Floor.  I watched in awe as Senator Wendy Davis completed a 10 hour filibuster, that would have continued had Republicans not stopped it three hours early.  I laughed as Senator after Senator made parliamentary inquiries.  I tweeted and facebooked and retweeted.  I screamed in excitement after Senator Van de Putte said "Mr. President, at what point must a female senator raise her hand or her voice to be heard over the male colleagues in the room?"  As a woman who has worked in politics for years, I cannot even count how many times I have wanted to say something like this.  I smiled for 15 minutes as the crowd cheered so loud they drowned out any activity on the Senate floor creating “the people’s filibuster.”  I was disgusted when the Republicans tried to vote on SB5 after midnight.  I waited anxiously as hundreds of thousands of others did across the country to see the results. 

All this time my baby was moving inside of me, no doubt wondering why pregnancy induced snoring had not lulled her to sleep yet.  And all that time I was reminded of how important this one bill in Texas was to the rest of the country.  Women and their rights have been targeted for years.  I have fought for rights that affected me, but as a momma bear I will do everything to fight for all rights that will make the world a more just place for my daughter. 

I was also reminded of my choice.  My baby is my choice, but my choice isn’t for everyone.  And while, people have judged me for having my baby so soon after getting married or for getting pregnant knowing I have a cancer gene, it was always MY CHOICE.  That is my wish for all women.  That they too can have their choice regardless of what that choice is. 

SB5 is dead for now, but I have no doubt it or another bill just like it will spring up in Texas or somewhere else.  I hope those opposed to women’s health are ready for the fight that will come their way.  We are fired up and inspired.  I know this from experience.  My inspiration comes from strong feminist women, like the ones in the picture above, and the little baby feminist growing in my womb.   

Men and Pregnancy

Everyone has his or her own comfort level with pregnancy.  But my favorite interactions on the subject have come from men.  They are hilarious.  I love them! Who says feminist equals man hater?  You won’t find that over here. 

My husband, after getting over his shock of being a father to a daughter, has been absolutely marvelous….for the most part.  There were those moments of me huddled over the toilet experiencing my worst symptom of pregnancy so far, and he walks in and complains about a stomachache.  Seriously?!?!    As angry as I was, I can only laugh now.  It was also a reminder of why women have the babies.   Besides that, “for the most part” moment, he has been great.  He has done his research.  He gets pregnancy updates every week on his iphone and he has patiently dealt with me waking up in the middle of the night screaming because I have a leg cramp.  He has managed to calm me down as my body changes and after some stranger has said some cruel thing to me.    This journey has just begun for us.  I can’t wait to see what is going to come from him next.

My brother is comfortable with just knowing that baby and I are ok.  He has generously offered to playground test any name we come up with.  He, however, is not interested in ultrasound pictures, those “creep me out.” 

My father still can’t manage to say I’m pregnant.  I think it has something to do with the fact that daddy’s girl is having a girl.  He will refer to me as “the way you are” or “in your condition.” He does check up on me often though. I don’t think he’ll ever know how much that means to me, especially since I don’t have my mother around.

My coworkers are great.  The ones that don’t have kids are learning a lot.  They worry about me constantly.  They make sure I always have a seat, I never carry anything heavy, and if I touch my tummy they jump to make sure nothing is wrong.  Usually my active baby is just breakdancing.  They have also started to notice that there are so many pregnant women out there.  They say it is like buying a new car, after you get it, you see the model on the road all of the time.  One bachelor even cut out an article on how to correctly swaddle a baby and left it on my desk for me.  I find these little details adorable. 

My coworkers that have children are just as great.  They have all humored me and looked at my ultrasound pictures.  They have gone out of their way to make sure they have told me the stories of their wives going into labor.  I love these stories, because I wonder “is this how their wives remember it?”  They have given me advice on what to be prepared for.  One, who almost fainted in the delivery room, reminded me not to be too hard on my husband. 

I have always felt it was my duty to change the world.  And my husband used to say, “you never know, you might change the world by having an incredible child who does something huge like cure cancer.”  Even if she doesn’t cure cancer, she has already had an impact on the men in our lives.  

Thoughts on my Ovaries

Right before my 21st birthday my mom was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer.  We had what is now better known as the Angelina Jolie genetic testing done.  My mom and I were both BRCA2 positive.  

For a long time, I feared my ovaries.  Not only did they mean I would get paid less than men, but they also were the haven that cancer could someday grow in.  Ovaries were life taking, especially 6 years ago when my mom passed away after her long battle with her Ovarian Cancer.  I thought this way until this past February when I found out I was going to be a mom.  My ovaries went from life threatening, to life giving.  

I was overjoyed and scared (of course).  At 16 weeks we found out I was growing a briliant feminist girl.  In that split second when my husband and I were told my thoughts went from shock to fear.  What if I gave her my cancer gene?!?!  This ominous gene isn't something I think about everyday, but in this great moment of joy, that is where my mind went to.  Seeing her wave her little hand on the ultrasound helped calm my nerves a bit.  And I find myself having an inexplicable faith that everything is going to be okay.  

This morning I had a thought.  What if my daughter asks me someday if I am going to get sick and die like grandma.  What will I tell her?  And this is what I came up with:

No, I'm not going to die, because your grandma was a warrior.  She fought long and hard.  She was brave, and she got tested so she could find out if I was at risk.  Because she did that, I have been able to take precautions.  I took medicine for many years, which will help prevent me from getting sick.  I drank my antioxidants in tea.  I went to all my doctor check ups.  I had blood tests done so I could easily detect cancer if necessary.  I gave blood, lots and lots of blood to science, so they could study it and come up with a cure.  I did all this because grandma was so brave and strong.  But what is going to save me from getting sick is you.  Having you, helps reduce my chances of getting sick.  You are my miracle drug, my angel.  And now that I am a mom, I know that if I do get sick, I will fight like hell to stay with you always, because that is what my mom taught me to do.  

My ovaries and cancer are scary things, but the woman my mom taught me to be is scarier, and I hope I teach my daughter to be just as fierce.